My Theme Park Life

Somber.

My grief has taken me on yet another fantastic roller coaster ride. 

It is interesting this ride called grief,

just when you thought you got off the ride, 

you get back in line and start riding it all over again. 

This ride has been a giant roller coaster with lots of ups and downs, all arounds

leaving me with whip lash.

It's a one seater. 

No one is riding it with me. 

I get to ride it alone. 

People offer, but I decline.

Because ultimately, it is the roller coaster God architected for me, and only me. 

I used to want it to be a group ride. 

Slowly I've realized this ride is solo. 

This is my pain. My suffering. My ride. 

And no amount of people on my Grief Roller coaster will take the momentum away. 

I've wished I could get off and let someone sit in my place for a moment to give me a break and a moment to breathe. 

But alas, there is no one. I can only pray that God will get me through it. 

And he always does. 

Whenever I get on my roller coaster ride, I know Heavenly Father has something fantastic to teach me. 

People want to jump in and distract me from the ups and downs and all arounds,

but I'm learning I don't need distractions, I need time and I need space in my life to listen

because it's when I hurt that God is able to teach. 

He must have a lot to teach me because it seems like I hurt a lot. 

To be perfectly honest, I feel completely silly that I still grieve in the capacity that I do.

I find myself embarrassed that I am on the roller coaster ride. Again. 

For some reason, I keep thinking the grief Roller Coaster attraction at the theme park will be shut down so you can't ride it anymore. . . but it stays open-season after season. Year after year. 

And that is probably the reason for the lack of blogging...

Perhaps I'm running out of ways of saying that death 

is completely excruciating and yet so completely amazing in it's ways of teaching. 

It seems like I've said it a thousand times, just in different ways. 

My roller coaster, well, it's an interesting thing. 

I love my roller coaster. 

I really really love my ride. 

It's the ride of grief that makes me so full of life. . .so eager to live. . .so grateful for my blessings and so desirous to ride all the other attractions of my theme parked life

Like

the giggles adventure ride

the optimistic safari

the gratitude coaster

and my favorite of them all,

the joy ride

Remember opposition in all things and how I feel about that? 

Interestingly put, 

The atonement was the greatest blessing in the world. . . but it also was the most painful thing the world has ever experienced. Just because something is painful, doesn't mean it is a curse. 

Just as with Christ and his atonement,

losing James is what caused me the greatest pain, but is also simultaneously the greatest blessing of my life. 

Single handily that one experience has brought me to who I am today...

and I love who I am. 

I love the masterpiece God is creating. 

I hope that doesn't sound arrogant, 

because it is accompanied with a lot of gratitude that this pain is not in vain...that I can tell 

he is doing something marvelous with my soul from the intense refiners fire

Painful as it might be.

My suffering, my pain, my trials are 

perfectly imperfect 

to get me back to where I belong 

which is in Heaven

with my Baby. 

Happy 8th Birthday tomorrow baby boy. 

You are in my heart today, yesterday and for always. 

Until we meet again...

xoxo.